In a recent video uploaded to his Instagram account, Singaporean actor Andie Chen had a confession to make: He hasn’t been happy with his career for a while now.
The 39-year-old, who has two children with his actress wife Kate Pang and has been based in Taiwan for almost five years, told AsiaOne he’s currently trying to find a balance between his passion and providing for his family.
“The first couple of years (in Taiwan) have been quite tumultuous and rough, honestly speaking. But now, as I am slowly getting used to living and working in two countries and two cities, and the family is starting to get into a rhythm, there is a certain amount of balance.
“I have a bit more bandwidth to sit down and take note of my own mental and emotional state, which I really didn’t have the leeway to do the last couple of years.”
Andie has been acting professionally from the age of 22 since he emerged the winner of Star Search 2007, and with him turning 40 in June, he’s come to realise he isn’t always satisfied with his acting career.
‘I’m like a mercenary for hire’
“Time and energy are extremely finite. So, I realised I need to put my time and energy into the things that I want to do… When I’m on set and I feel like the work I’m doing can be replaced by someone else – like, another actor could probably do this role just as well, if not better than me — I start questioning, ‘What am I doing here? Is it just for myself, is it just for the money? Why am I here?'”, he said.
“When I take such a close look at every second of my life, I start to realise that there’re a lot of things I’d rather spend my time on.”
He elaborated: “If I’m in the right project, then I would always feel like this is exactly where I’m supposed to be — the right place at the right time, and I’m the right person. That feeling is very special for me. So, it’s almost like I chase after that.
“When I don’t have that [feeling], I realise I start to be less and less satisfied. I think the more I do so-called mundane work, then I get more and more unhappy.”
So how does he find that passion and spark to move forward?
“I have to be quite clear on what I’m doing. If I know I’m doing this project because I need to be able to provide financially, then I will. I will remind myself to treat it as professionally as possible and help the filmmaker to create whatever project and work that they are hoping to create,” he said, albeit admitting that it’s a “constant struggle”.
“I’m like a mercenary for hire — I just need to do my job well and then bring home the bacon.”
But he also makes sure to set time to take on projects that may not pay as much but have value “creatively and artistically”.
“The dream is always, of course, to spend more time on the artistic side of things and less on purely financial-driven projects, but that is where I am today.
“I think that’s something that almost all, if not all, artists have to go through. Unless you are born with a silver spoon, that’s just a normal thing.”
‘I don’t have the luxury to just do things I love’
When asked whether he is an idealistic person, Andie didn’t hesitate to agree.
“I’ve always wanted to only do stuff that I am intrinsically passionate about, and I’m extremely selective about how I spend my time and who I spend it with. So, in my mind, that’s all it matters,” he shared.
While that mindset was fine when he was a bachelor, things are different now that he’s the head of a family.
“I’m pursuing my dreams (becoming an actor), which means I’ve given up a much more stable career financially for something that is a lot more volatile. Yet I have to be a lot more reliable, because now I have a whole family to feed and a certain standard of education that I have to give my kids. That has put me in a place of having to be very realistic, even though I’m not that person.”
He added he would rather not spend time worrying about his finances and instead just do things he loves but that’s no longer possible: “I don’t have that luxury, at least at this stage of my life, and I recognise that.”
With that comes the tough question: Does he regret having kids?
He answered honestly: “I’ll be lying if that has not crossed my mind, especially when I am very tired and stressed… I feel like the expectation for men has shifted in the opposite direction. I feel it weighs so heavily.
“In the past, you bring home money and that’s it… You can choose not to come home if you want. When you’re home, you don’t have to care about anything. You can do anything you want. Of course I’m not saying that’s the right way, but that’s the traditional way and widely accepted way.”
He explained that all the current expectations for a father and husband – for example, providing for the family and helping out with chores combined with spending time with his wife and kids – can sometimes feel “too much”.
“All this energy and time taken out of the time that I can work on my artistic endeavours… It’s madness, it’s frustrating. So many times, it’s frustrating, and that’s the reason why so many artists are not married or don’t have kids, because how can you afford to do that when you need to be so obsessive about what you love?” he said.
“So yeah, there are definitely moments where I look and I think it would have been so much easier if I didn’t have kids, if I hadn’t got married – and that is a very viable option for anyone listening out there. If you don’t want to have kids, you’re not doing your country any good, but it is an option. It would be so much easier.”
But with that said, he feels the moments when he spends time with his kids – son Aden, 10, and daughter Avery, eight – are “irreplaceable”: “I spend enough time, energy, resources and also sincerity with my kids such that we are close. I like them as human beings, and I like hanging out with them, so that bond is honestly something that I believe only parents can understand.”
If he could go back in time and pick between being single with freedom and a family man with such relationships and bonds, Andie said he’d still take the tougher route.
“I’d still have kids, especially my two kids now. I’d still make that choice, but it’s not an easy one,” he reaffirmed.
‘I always felt like I’m an idiot’
Juggling responsibilities isn’t the only hard aspect of his career.
“We are in a very academic-based environment. In Singapore, you are kind of judged for your academic and/or financial success, and our whole system is built around that,” he said.
“A lot of Asian cities, I feel, are built towards that. I experienced that first-hand, because when I was growing up – I’m dyslexic – I never had good grades, and I always felt like I’m an idiot, and that’s not the worst part. I always felt like I’m a bad human being because I didn’t do well in school.”
He attributes his obsession with work to those experiences. “It might have to do with trying to prove to people that I’m good enough because of my childhood.
“That’s what has been on my mind actually, am I trying to get awards or get a better goal, or work on a bigger set, just to show people, ‘Look I have value. I’m good enough, I deserve to be in this world’? I think there is truth in that for sure,” he shared.
Dealing with burnouts
Like many of us in the working world, Andie has times where he feels burnt out, and we asked what he does when that happens.
“Working out is a great place for me to release my stress, but I think a lot of it is psychological,” he said.
“It’s just a lot of self-work, a lot of thinking, feeling and understanding about when to take my foot off the pedal if I get very restless and if I get very stretched, which happens very often.”
He revealed that he’ll be seeing a therapist soon, although he doesn’t feel like he needs to.
“My wife has a therapist that she highly recommends, and she thinks that it might be a good experience and might be helpful. So, I’m also open to that, which is part of self-work,” he said.
In one of his Instagram Reels, Andie concluded that the answer to his unhappiness in his career may be to stop forcing his passion to pay his bills, bringing up the question of whether that is realistically sustainable.
“I always knew acting is one of the only things I want to be doing. I guess with my short films, I’m also exploring if there are any other creative outlets I can find in my life that I completely feel are deserving of my time,” he remarked to us, adding how letting go of financial comforts and some expenditure can be helpful as well.
“A lot of my friends and my mentors are telling me, ‘You can always do something else. Sell houses or insurance on the side, and supplement your income.’ But I just listened to my heart and I know intrinsically, I don’t think I’m able to at this point.”
However, he’s not dismissing that option completely.
“I’m not saying I won’t, there’s nothing wrong with doing that. In fact, if it works for you, great. But at this point of time, I’m lucky enough that my being a full-time actor is allowing me to take care of my family, and it still does. And hopefully I’ll be able to do this full-time all the way until I’m too old to move.”
Realisations and being in his 30s
Looking back on his 30s, Andie remarked it’s been “unexpected”.
“I got married and had kids when I was 29… The moment I decided to step out of Singapore to be based in Taipei, I think that’s when I stopped having an idea how my life will turn out.
“But before that I kind of knew I’m gonna get a HDB flat, I’m likely gonna get married, I’m gonna probably have two kids… So basically, I have led a somewhat typical Singaporean life and then tried to match up to the validation.”
He continued: “But I think in my 30s, as I stepped out of that structured life, I’ve gotten into a place where I don’t know where I’m going to be next month. I don’t know if I’m going to make a certain amount of money. I could make a lot less this year, but I also could also make a lot of money next year.
“My life could change in the blink of an eye. I don’t know how the story is going to be written. I think that is what I’ve been thinking a lot about as I turn 40 – like, the second half of my life, I have no idea how it’s going to turn out.”
So far, what he’s realised in life is the fact that he “isn’t special”.
“No one really cares about you. No one really fully understands you, even the person that you think is the closest to you, probably only grasps a very superficial part of you… You are alone, and that’s not a bad thing,” he reflected.
“Your time and energy are the most important currencies that you have.”
The life he wants for himself
“As my kids grow up, now I’m going to spend a lot of time with them. It’s said that parents spend 90 per cent of their time with their kids before they turn 16. After that, they are not in your life as much, but I want them in my life forever,” he said.
Regarding his career, which he also hopes would go smoother from now on, his dream is to fly to different countries and work on “different sets with completely different people”.
“I find the best way to really understand different cultures is to work there with people from that country, from that city. So, I would love to be able to work on projects all over the world, and then also still have a very strong connection to my family,” he shared.
For his coming 40s, his hopes are simple: Spend his time and energy on work that inspires him with the rest on giving his kids a “great family and education”.
“If I can get these two things done. I think I’m good,” he said.
His advice for others?
“You don’t have the ability to create yourself into whatever you envision yourself to be. You only have the ability to discover who you are… Do the thing that feels the closest to right and then keep peeling the layers to find out who you really are. As you get closer, the more peaceful and fulfilled you will feel.”
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