Hayden Panettiere is reflecting on the darker side of growing up in Hollywood.
The “Nashville” alum, 36, got candid about her “brutal” experience as a child star during a panel discussion Tuesday night in West Hollywood, California, for her new memoir, “This Is Me: A Reckoning.”
“I had my first identity crisis,” Panettiere shared. “I remember exactly where I was, standing in my bedroom at 12 years old.”
The Golden Globe nominee — who began appearing in commercials as an infant before landing roles on soap operas “One Life to Live” in 1994 and “Guiding Light” in 1996 — explained that she spent much of her childhood either “playing characters” or sitting in audition rooms.
“It’s the most brutal experience, like the stark cold room, and just this row of people judging you,” she said.
Panettiere recalled how things shifted once producers realized she could cry on command while working on “Guiding Light.”
“I’ll never forget it,” she said. “Once they figured that out, it was just like, I never stopped crying.”
“You go through life experiences, and the imagery, you then have to go to places that you bring yourself are so dark and so ugly,” she continued. “And you’re sitting there, then afterwards, getting praise and love for it. You’re going, ‘Oh my God, when I feel pain, I get love.’”
Panettiere admitted, “I wasn’t checking in with myself. I’m a perfectionist. Like, I’ve been groomed. I’m so militant because, I’ve been groomed from such a young age that you don’t ask questions.”
“Someone says, ‘you stand on the mark, you get your lines right, I ask you to throw yourself in a building in the middle of the night in the pouring rain’ over and over and over again. These crazy stunts. You’re like, ‘Cool, yeah, sure. No problem, no problem.’ Again, again, again, again, again, and, and I just got to an age where I was just so emotional and so upset all the time that I was trying anything to make it okay.”
The “Heroes” alum said she was aware at a very young age that the emotional toll would eventually “come out sideways” in adulthood.
“I’m playing all these characters and I feel like they’re genuine and they’re a part of me, but who am I outside of this?” she recalled wondering at the time. “What is my identity?”
Panel moderator and “True Detective” actress Alyshia Ochse later asked Panettiere whether she ever learned how to emotionally recover after being constantly praised for immediately accessing vulnerability as a child actor.
“Well, obviously, it wasn’t, it was not good. It was not healthy,” Panettiere responded.
The actress said one of the hardest realities of working in television at a young age was committing years of her life to projects she barely understood.
“When you sign onto a project, you were signing six years of your life away based on one script,” she said. “So you really don’t know what you’re up for.”
“I didn’t realize how much it was affecting me until I just became so resentful and ugly and upset, and then when I went home, I could not get myself out of like a corner of the bed, like the bed became my safe nook.”
Panettiere has been candid in recent years about her struggles with addiction, postpartum depression and growing up in the spotlight as a child actor. Her new memoir, “This Is Me: A Reckoning,” hit stands May 19 and chronicles many of those experiences in greater detail.
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