I remember the first workout my wife and I had when we first decided to embark on a weight loss journey together over a year ago.
Neither of us knew what we were doing and we were pretty much just trying to figure out how all the different machines worked. The idea of synced workouts, sweaty selfies, and mutual motivation was enough to keep us going for the first few weeks of random exercises and inconsistent rep ranges with no real targets or goals.
To introduce some structure into our gym sessions, I started watching fitness videos on YouTube and reading up to get a better idea of what exactly we should be doing in the gym. That was when conflict started brewing — disagreements over reps, me pushing our new regime too hard, differing paces when it comes to how fast we were able to dive into the whole fitness journey.
Same goal, different pacing
I was pushing hard for higher intensity during our combined workouts. You see, we were both new to the gym and decided that the best place for us to start was with Gym Pod.
These were usually small, private rooms with enough equipment to be shared across two people — a perfect starting point for a couple a little too shy for commercial gyms. As a result of the enclosed space, we were always aware of what each other was doing at all times.
My wife was moving at her own pace, but I wanted results, and I wanted them quick. My constant urges for my wife to reduce her rest times or lift a heavier weight caused friction during our workouts.
Perhaps it was subtle competitiveness creeping in, but I wanted to feel like the more ‘advanced’ one in our journey. Expecting my wife to match my pace only caused more conflict — a byproduct of how ego can show up in relationships.
At the time, ‘more’ and ‘faster’ felt like ‘better’ in my head. But it wasn’t just about the exercises themselves, it was about control and wanting my wife to do things my way.
Sometimes, encouragement comes across as pressure
There’s a very thin line between encouragement and pressure. I learned the hard way by crossing it back and forth countless times in the early part of our fitness journey.
To my wife, ‘I believe in you” sounded a lot like ‘why aren’t you keeping up?’. What I thought was an encouraging ‘one more rep’ became a disappointing remark when she couldn’t pull it off. My instincts to push her the same way I would push myself backfired on me.
Despite getting into some heated disagreements over the whole ordeal, my wife, being a great communicator, expressed her need for space and made me realise that not everyone needs someone to constantly motivate them. Instead of imposing my ideas on her, I started sending her the same videos and materials for I used for setting gym routines and let her formulate her own.
I thought love was about pushing each other to be better, and in some ways it is, but it’s also about letting the other person move at their speed, while supporting them every step of the way.
What training revealed about our conflict styles
The term ‘fighting like a married couple’ isn’t a myth, at least, not me in my relationship — conflicts and disagreements are a huge part of normal, functioning relationships. Through our conflicts over our fitness journey, we were able to learn things about each other and ourselves.
My frustrations often grew from the misconception that my wife was lazy and hence, not pushing as hard as I was. I thought a little bit of tough love was what the situation called for, having received a lot of that growing up, shaping the way I thought about love.
But it wasn’t something that my wife reacted well to, and it took a lot of communication and understanding for us to be able to move past that and progress at our own individual pace.
There was also a realisation that my wife was likely not used to being pushed in a physical manner the way that I was used to. Having played sports growing up and of course, serving my National Service, I was used to tough and aggressive coaching, knowing that my coaches and trainers always wanted the best for me.
But I wasn’t my wife’s coach and she definitely wasn’t my recruit. I had to change my approach.
Sometimes, love means working out separately
We still trained together despite the space that I offered my wife. I chose not to correct or comment on her routine or any of her exercises. She was able to finish her sets and workouts without me constantly hovering over her and that gave her more confidence in what she was doing.
We learned to respect and trust each other, that we were both still locked in on our goals, and we were just approaching the process in a different way.
We’ve reached the point where we still train together all the time, almost every time, but we’ve developed our own goals and routines and barely interact with one another in the gym, apart from showing each other the odd funny reel every now and then. We got there eventually, at our own pace. and reached our weight loss goals before our wedding (a story for another time).
What working out together actually taught us
At some point, there was a shift from training with each other, to training alongside each other. Some couples might have no issues training together — it all depends on the individual, but for my wife and I, we found a balance that suited us.
We started from constantly bickering about rest times and diet plans. But through the journey we gained more of each other’s respect and trust, and now we look out for each others’ form from afar, and we even have a signal if we ever need a spot from each other.
It’s been over a year on this journey together. We still don’t move at the same pace. But we’ve learned to move in the same direction.
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This article was first published in Wonderwall.sg.
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