Chris Appleton says being gay ‘felt like a cancer’ before a desperate suicide attempt finally led to him coming to terms with his sexuality.
The British hairstylist, whose roster of celebrity clients includes Ariana Grande, Jennifer Lopez and Kim Kardashian, was a father-of-two from a long-term relationship with his former partner Katie Katon when he started to address his attraction to men.
But accepting his true feelings followed a dark period of self-loathing, during which he would ‘pray to be straight’ so his children wouldn’t have to grow up with a gay father.
Appearing on the latest instalment of Olivia Attwood’s podcast, Olivia’s House, Appleton, 42, says he eventually came out to son Billy, then 12 years old, and daughter Kitty-blu, nine, but the decision ultimately led to a suicide attempt.
‘Telling the kids was awful, and that night I thought it was better to have a dad that was dead than was gay,’ he explained.
‘It was a horrible experience, and Kate, actually is the one that found me. I just brought as many painkillers as I could and drank this bottle of gin, and just closed my eyes.
Chris Appleton says being gay ‘felt like a cancer’ before a desperate suicide attempt finally led to him coming to terms with his sexuality
Appleton came out to son Billy and daughter Kitty-blu when they were children, but the decision ultimately led to a suicide attempt
‘I had this picture of the kids. Every night I used to go to bed with it and I just kept praying to God, please take this away from me.
He added: ‘It felt like I’d got this cancer and I couldn’t rid of it, and if I could cut it out I would have. I don’t know if I wanted to die, I just wanted to kill that, or it.’
Now openly gay and happily settled in Los Angeles, Appleton says he was mercilessly bullied for being gay and dyslexic while growing up in Leicester.
And be believes the traumas he faced during his school-years ultimately pushed him towards a career in hairstyling, and the desire to pursue heterosexual relationships in a bid to ‘do what other people did.’
‘I thought I was living,’ he said. ‘I thought I was doing what I wanted to do. I had two kids, I had my girlfriend Kate. We’d been together for ten years, then when I was 26, 27, we broke up.’
Appleton maintains a close friendship with Kate, with whom he embarked on a decade long relationship after meeting in a local hair salon when he was 16. The couple would welcome their first child three years later, before the stylist had even turned 20.
‘I think we have an unconditional love – we’re still best friends now, all these years later,’ he explained.
‘We had kids, I wanted to be with her, I wanted to do the things you did; get together, get married, it’s kinda what people did.’
‘Telling the kids was awful, and that night I thought it was better to have a dad that was dead than was gay,’ he explained
Accepting his true feelings followed a dark period of self-loathing, during which he would pray to be straight so his children wouldn’t have to grow up with a gay father
The celebrity hairstylist was appearing on the latest instalment of Olivia Attwood’s podcast, Olivia’s House
‘Then when we broke up… it was hard because I loved her, but the relationship broke down… you want to get away from the pain that you’re in, and you want to change something, you want to fast forward it.’
Appleton says his separation from Kate would ultimately lead to him exploring his sexuality.
‘I was hooking up with different people,’ he recalled. ‘And then one night I was on a trip, we drank a lot, it was for a big hair show thing, and this guy tried to kiss me at the end of the night.
‘I didn’t think too much to it, other than, “Oh, that was weird. I was so drunk last night, whatever. I’m just going through a phase.
‘But that kind of opened up a window and we spoke all the time. They didn’t even live in the same country but we had a conversation.’
Now openly gay and happily settled in Los Angeles, Appleton says he was mercilessly bullied for being gay and dyslexic while growing up in Leicester (pictured with his children)
He added: ‘It was my first time connecting with someone who was gay, and maybe acknowledging over a period of time that I had feelings .
‘But I got very scared and though, “Wait, what’s happening? What am I doing?” I’m back to normal, back to my usual regime, but once I’d opened that door I couldn’t get rid of it. I couldn’t contain it.
‘Fast forward to coming out, it was really dark, the darkest years of my life for sure, but I think in finding who I really was I realised that I’d been mean to myself my whole life.
‘That kid who got bullied at school, and that kid who felt different and not quite understood, I left him and really became something that I was told to be, or, like I said, normal, and I felt bad for myself.
‘I really ignored myself and my own living, trying to be a version of what seemed right.’
If you have been affected by anything in this article, call Samaritans on: 116 123.
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