After surviving the “messy middle” of her life, Sarah Shahi is using that experience to help others navigate divorce, career challenges, childhood trauma and more.
In 2020, the great equalizer of the pandemic tested the immune systems, emotional well-being and intimate relationships of regular folks and celebrities alike, leaving in its wake wreckage but also clarity. For Shahi, 45, that meant divorce after more than a decade of marriage to Steve Howey, and the prospect of starting life all over again.
“On the surface — or from the outside perspective — everyone thought I had everything I ever wanted,” the actress, who shares son William, 16, and 10-year-old twins Violet and Knox with Howey, exclusively shares in her Us Weekly digital cover story. “I was living the dream, but deep down, it was the furthest thing from what I wanted for myself.”
The change in her personal life gave her the courage to chase similar satisfaction in her career, leading Shahi to a dream role as Billie Connelly on 2021’s Sex/Life after a string of network shows including The Rookie, Fairly Legal and Chicago Fire. The sexy Netflix series — about a woman who seems to have it all but craves more (sound familiar?), especially in her sex life — not only brought creative satisfaction, but real-life romance with her onscreen love interest, Adam Demos. (The two broke up after five years together.)
Then came 2025’s dystopian Hulu hit Paradise, starring Emmy Award winners Sterling K. Brown and Julianne Nicholson. (Season 2 premieres February 23.) The more inspired Shahi felt, the more inspiring work she found.
And that led her to an entirely different sort of project: Her inspirational guide, Life Is Lifey: The A to Z’s on Navigating Life’s Messy Middle (out January 27), which she started writing in 2020 as a personal outlet. “I thought I was going to write a divorce journal or manifesto,” she says. Then she realized her experience could help others, because “in order to get a divorce, you need courage.”
She’s known about courage since childhood, when her dad left and she, her mom and her two siblings spent time living in shelters. “I’ve been a product of therapy for over 20 years,” Shahi says. “If you’re living life from a very surface level, you’re missing out on so many great things.”
The actress sat down with Us ahead of her book tour to reflect on finding herself in her 40s and how she hopes her journey will help others dig deep to chase happiness.
What’s an example of how you embrace the messy middle?
I used to be guilty of people pleasing. I would turn myself into a pretzel to give the other person what they wanted, and I would completely neglect my own needs. Over time, I learned how much that bit me in the ass, and how my coming last was hurting me and holding me back. Now if there’s a situation that doesn’t work for me, I speak up.
Even if I’m nervous about telling someone how I feel or saying no to a friend or just prioritizing myself, I do it regardless, and then I’ll deal with the backlash. At least I know I was honest to me.
A lot of people will relate to that.
We’ve got one life, and as women, the story for such a long time has been, “You are put here in service of others.”
It’s a script we should have thrown out a long time ago. We have the right to our dreams. We have the right to our pleasures and our desires. When I finally started realizing that I am here for a purpose and my needs do matter, that’s when I was able to create the most sort of good or change … even [in] my career.
You write about turning down work on network TV for a year after finding success there. How hard was that?
Sarah Shahi Frazer Harrison/Getty Images
I was miserable on network television shows. I would go to work and it felt like there was a piece missing from my soul.
I had to really pick myself up and trust my gut and know that I was capable of so much more if I just gave myself the opportunity. My reps were not happy with the decision. I was making good money as a network actress, and I really took a chance on myself and was like, You know what? It’s OK to sit on the sidelines for a while, to not make any money, because I trust that it’ll come back around. And it did, but, yeah, it was hard. I had a lot of people in my ear telling me I was making a mistake.
And then you got Sex/Life!
When they talk about divine timing, like, I believe it more than ever. I really was at this crossroads in my life where I was so deeply unhappy, I was questioning all of my decisions. I didn’t have the courage to act on anything, and it was almost like I was handed this role that really paralleled my personal life. And through playing Billie, she became like a buzz in my veins. Playing her really gave me the courage to go after what I felt like was my authentic self.
How did the show change your life?
I became the poster child for unhappily married women overnight. And doing something like that allowed me to connect with so many people.
This connected me to the audience on such a heart/soul level. That kind of connection is so rare, and I’m very grateful for that. It’s something that, moving forward, the projects that I want to align with have elements of that too — real personal, heartfelt connection.
Did it ever hit too close to home?
It was definitely my therapy. I often joke that the words on the page, it was as if it was ripped from my own heart. There were moments on set that were incredibly difficult because it was so real almost every day. I don’t know why I said moments because it was literally like every damn day, every scene.
How attached did fans get to your relationship with Adam off screen?
There was an element of the relationship that people really felt belonged to them, which was very sweet and heart- warming.
The flip to that is when things end, you feel like you’re going through it twice. You’re going through it emotionally on a personal level, and then you’re going through it again on a much bigger level.
Sex/Life ended after two seasons. Did you ever wish it went on for longer?
From the very beginning, we were all told it was going to be two seasons and that was it. That was the buzz in everyone’s ear. We all got used to it as one does. At some point we were maybe hoping there would be a season 3. But I was OK with it just being two seasons. It was fine. I was ready to move on.
How has Sex/Life influenced the way you approach filming sex scenes?
The way I’ve always looked at things is when nudity comes from a story aspect, it doesn’t feel like nudity. It just feels like parts of the story. My job as an actor is to tell human stories. I tell adult stories.
I had to have this conversation with my oldest child that I’m not a child actor, I’m an adult and I’m going to tell adult stories. Within that, that means relationship type stories and intimacy is a part of those stories at times. As long as it’s not done from a gratuitous standpoint and it’s something that feels artistic and necessary to the story then it’s my job.
Let’s talk about your book and sex. You really try to normalize the topic.
[When I was on Sex/Life], so many women reached out that were like, “I’ve never had an orgasm.”
There were so many aspects of women when it came to their physicality and their body and their desire that they had ignored for so long. Personally, I was never promiscuous. I didn’t learn about anatomy until later on in my life, and men … and that was something that did feel very intimidating to me …
After Sex/ Life, it just kind of came back full circle to me: This is human nature, and pleasure is a birthright. We’re not here to simply service, but we’re here to be serviced as well.
How do you avoid regressing into old patterns?
My daily routine is to check in with myself. I start off every day with at least a five-minute meditation where I’m really still and paying attention to the things that are happening inside. We’re told to run away from our pain. But for me, finally looking at my pain was my entrance to the light — being able to see where I was broken and what I was unhappy about, instead of medicating it, drinking it away, numbing it with whatever was in front of me, was a way into my truth.
When did you realize it was time to end your marriage?
There were so many things that I was scared of, but it got to a point [where] I couldn’t ignore the fact that I felt like I was suffocating, and the person that was suffocating me was me. I needed to finally put my big-girl pants on and go, I can do this, and it’s going to look messy, and it’s going to be hard, but at the end of the day, there is nothing I will enjoy more than peace.
How are you and Steve now?
It worked out for both parties involved. There is no failure here. I was in a relationship for 18 years and have three beautiful kids. It is by every definition a success to me and we have a beautiful relationship — Steve and I — now as coparents. It’s important to show the kids, in my opinion, that when something is out of sync, you have to have the courage to let it go.
Do you have any advice for women contemplating divorce?
Exercise every avenue to save [your marriage] if you love each other. Speak up about the things that are bothering you. But if you’ve done everything and you’re still really deeply unhappy, then don’t waste your pretty. Life’s too short.
The other thing I came to realize is that just because you’re good for some- body doesn’t mean they’re good for you. I have so many girlfriends that stay in relationships, and they’re like, “Oh, he’d be lost without me” or “She’d be lost without me.” And then when I ask them, Well, what are they giving you?, it’s not even comparable.
What’s been the biggest surprise about this new chapter in your life?
I’ve always dampened my spirit in my partnerships … I’m a very curious person, so to be able to talk to men, women, without it coming across like I’m hitting on somebody, just to be free in my personality and allow that fiery side to show, which was something I had lost, has been a blessing. I really get to experience the fullness of myself and the way I show up in relationship to friends, to dating, to my children. You know, just really being able to do me.
My heart broke in order to become even more open. So it hasn’t shut me off from love or relationships. If anything, it’s only made my capacity to love that much bigger. Learning about myself right now, I see my soft and my fire.
How has dating been going?
When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. It’s a zoo out there in the dating world, and I have to say that everyone I’ve encountered that I had doubts about was correct. There was no need to go back twice. I knew the answer the first time.
What advice would you offer others getting back out there?
Be honest. If you’re somebody who’s looking for something serious, that’s something that should be voiced. Because you can just save yourself a lot of time.
Honesty and authenticity are really important to put out there in the very beginning. And my dating no would be: don’t chase. No amount of chasing is going to make something work. The right person or the right relationship, you won’t have to work hard to get them to pay attention to you. It’ll just naturally fall into place. You can’t miss that which is meant for you.
How have various relationships in your life shaped you?
All of my relationships — not just with men — everyone is there to teach me something. I really believe that you attract situations that are going to help you grow. Whether or not you choose to grow, that’s a personal decision that you can make in the moment. But that is what the purpose of a relationship is.
Relationships really do hold up a mirror to your flaws, to your weaknesses, to the places in which you’re not healed. It was really great because I got to experience that and I got to look at that and grow from it. I have nothing but wonderful memories, even if they’re not wonderful. I have nothing but gratitude. Everyone is doing the best that they can at the moment. I’m nobody to really judge them and say, “This was right or this was wrong.” Because they were doing the best that they can. Just like I was doing the best that I can.
Were there parts you considered leaving out of the book?
What’s the point of hardship if you’re not able to share your story with somebody else? I refuse to believe that the pain I experienced was for nothing, so that became my driving force in talking about the hard things. The chapters where I talk about orgasms and b*** j*** was something I questioned because I thought it would be looked upon poorly. But the minute I’m afraid to do something, that’s a signal to go ahead.
Your book touches on the trauma you experienced as a child at the hands of your dad. How did writing those sections make you appreciate your mother even more?
I have an incredible mom. When I was growing up, we never felt different from other families. Even though we were incredibly different, my mother was able to provide us with anything that we needed. She always had a smile on her face.
Even when I was [living] at the women’s shelters [as a child], they were little vacations and it was an opportunity to meet new people. She always had a way of looking at the positive in something that looked incredibly dark. I think I adopted that from her.
My book is dedicated to her and my kids because she sacrificed so much for me.
And what about your dad?
In a way, my dad was the perfect dad because he wasn’t around and my mom did everything. She was the mother and the father and so I have a lot of her in me. My trauma came from the abandonment of my father and in relationships that has shown up for me where I feel like I have to prove myself in order for someone to stay. Or if I have a fight with somebody, I’m really scared that they’re going to leave.
One of the things I’ve had to learn the last couple years in particular is how to have boundaries.
What do you hope people take away from Life Is Lifey?
I really hope that people have the courage to live their lives as truthfully as they can. That’s literally what I want. I really want people to have the guts to live authentically and to not worry about what people think.
I wrote this book to heal myself. I never expected it to make the splash that it’s making. But my point in writing it is, there was so much lightness that came from me finally doing me that I would love for other people to experience that same kind of feeling.
How is 45 compared to, say, 25?
I’m having much more fun now. When they say youth is wasted on the young, that’s true. I’ve come to this really great space where I love my age, I love how I look and I’m not going to change it.
Describe your life right now.
Still figuring it out, but wiser than I was last year.
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